i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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