I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
