Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
