tonight lets celebrate not being married
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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