I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
