There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
