Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
