Soap is not a condiment
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
