i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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