Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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