He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
