Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
