I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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