Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
