well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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