I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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