my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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