my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
