so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
