You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he laminated a picture of his dick.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
