meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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