I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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