I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
