Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just want nice things and good sex
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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