some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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