beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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