so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
