turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
