i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
