Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
