do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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