grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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