I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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