I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
