Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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