I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
