Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
