and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
