Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
