his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
