Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize