Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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