im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
