I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
