im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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