That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
