No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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