girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
