i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
