i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
