My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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