If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
how drunk are you?
Several
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
