i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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