My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
