I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So. Much. Porn.
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