last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
