Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
